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Alysons Top 10 of 2008!
#1. (NEW!) The Revelations - It's You!
#2. Goldfrapp - A&E
#3. Sam Sparro - Black and Gold
#4. Manda Rin - Breakup Breakdown
#5. (NEW!) Girly Berry - Shake It!
#6. (NEW!) Goldfrapp - Road To Somewhere
#7. Tying Tiffany - I Wanna Be Your MP3!
#8. (NEW!) Puffy AmiYumi - Wild Girls On Circuit!
#9. (NEW!) Kidz Bop Kidz - Umbrella (Ella, Ella, Ey Ey)
#10. (NEW!) Celtic Legend Feat Gwenno Pipette - Ysolt Y'nn Gweinten

Claires Top 10 of 2008
#1 - Brit and Alex - Let It Go
#2 - (NEW!) Celtic Legend Feat Gwenno Pipette - Ysolt Y'nn Gweinten
#3 - (NEW!) The Revelations - It's You
#4 - Ash The Hash Bash - Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)
#5 - (NEW!) Girly Berry - Shake It!
#6 - (NEW!) Sylvie Vartan - Est-ce que tu le sais?
#7 - The Vs - Untouched
#8 - David Guetta - Baby When The Light
#9 - (NEW!) Serebro - Cranes
#10 - (NEW!) Miley Cyrus - Good and Broken

Pop Goes Canberra!
Pop Star Poetry!
Pop Poster Girl!
Girlfriends Official Myspace!
Pop Trash Addicts!
Funshine Cheers Wonderful Youtube Vids!
Into The Groove!
Don't Stop The Pop!
1001 Greatest Pop Songs Of All Time!
Little Fairie Girl!
Adem with an E!
Dirrty Pop!
No Rock And Roll Fun!

Nancy in her  pants...busking and hitchiking never looked cooler
Forever sponsored by my retro heroes Nancy Sinatra...
Dutch, 70s, classy, great hair...possibly stoned
...Mariska Veres...
Ms Harry, 70s and blonde, luckily escaped from Ted Bundy
...and Deborah Harry

Forever S

Forever S2 - 3-1

Forever Nicola

Forever Debbie Gibson

Forever Josie

Forever Across Chanels Universe

Forever Js BFF

Forever Venke

Alex from World Idol - I HATE YOU was her catchphrase...former flatmate of Guy Sebastian...and of course, ALWAYS in your FACE!

Forever The Ninja

I'm not doing a fucking survey!

"The site that's turned 5ive before 5ive did"

They signed up, they made history...then they left with nothing...Nothing Is Impossible, the Complete Girlfriend Story, only at the Pop
Free Hit Counter
Hilarious Mix Ups Counter
08:54pm 30/12/2011
  What the hell, for old times sake, my favourite songs of 2011...

No pressure then when you use something for the first time in years. Hope no one was expecting something wonderous...

#1 - Kaskade - Turn It Down (Le Castle Vania Remix)
#2 - Ronika - Wiyoo
#3 - Spor - Pacifica (Kito & Reija Lee Remix)
#4 - La Roux vs Robyn vs Whitney Houston vs Taylor Swift - I Wanna Bulletproof Dancer
#5 - Kito - Don't Wanna Lose You
#6 - Riot in Paris vs Melissa Mars - Digital
#7 - Salma Agha - Come Closer
#8 - Kito and Reija Lee - Run For Cover
#9 - Sophia Somajo - Fighters
#10 - Brook Benton - Mother Nature, Father Time (Scopitone Remix)
#11 - La Decadanse - Pretty pretty
#12 - Shocking Blue - Never Marry a Railroad Man

And just for even more old times sake...

See you next year

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I figure...   
06:53pm 03/07/2009
  ...if you do one post every 26 weeks, it might as well be Fergie singing to a clown...

What the hell is going on...

I presume that every time she comes around her vocal, vocal love goes to a clown?

I have an entire Fergie sitcom written as well, but ya know, the blog ship has sailed...but it was still Fergie singing to a clown...

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07:45pm 11/01/2009
  ...I realised today I got my list of songs of the year entirely wrong...completists, if you would like to substitute this at #3, drop #22, and push everything between the original 3-21 down one more spot, I owe them a post as an fault, overworked and out of champagne...

See, wasn't this much better than postings Alysons brand new Channel 7 retrospective show, P'Nau and Then...

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The Top Songs on The Ypod for 2008   
12:17pm 01/01/2009
mood: giggly
Unlike stupid Claire, this took AGES for me to get right! If you think of this list as basically eight joint might get an idea of how frigging hard this was! I even did this last night and then someone said I missed Smoosh out and I had to start again! I had a crisis of Revelations confidence until I found the Scooby Doo, 1 pound fifty film clip...class! I can say it's possibly the only top songs of the year from anyone that has a bonus track off a remix album next to Thailands healthiest girlband...don't say I don't provide people with new songs to listen to! At least it's not all The Presets and MGMT and Andre Rieu around here boy howdy!

#1. The Revelations - It's You!
#2. Smoosh - Dark Shine
=#3. Melissa Mars - Apocalips (Play Track 1, I think the names have buggered off them!)
=#3. Sofia Essaidi - Femme d'aujourd'hui
#5. Santogold - Icarus
#6. Lenka - The Show
#7. Girly Berry - Shake It
#8. Ayria - Disease
#9. Puffy AmiYumi - My Story
#10. Melissa Mars - Love Machine
#11. Jenny Lewis - You Are What You Love
#12. Manda Rin - Breakup Breakdown
#13. Kidz Bop Kidz - Umbrella (Ella Ella Ey Ey)
#14. Electric Blue - Getting Nowhere
#15. Melissa Mars - I Hate You (Alexxkid Remix)
#16. Tying Tiffany - I Wanna Be Your MP3
#17. Sinitta - Cross my Broken Heart (Cupids avenging mix)
#18. Smoosh - Find A Way
#19. Goldfrapp - Road To Somewhere
#20. $olal - Psycho Girls & Psycow Boys (Haaksman & Haaksman Remix)
#21. Puffy AmiYumi - All Because Of You
#22. Rita Lee & Tutti Frutti - Corista De Rock
#23. Theme To Billy Anachronism

Utterly pointless as Claire said, but hey, I love lists! Unless it's that Rove McManus show...

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Claires Favourite Songs of 2008   
01:12pm 31/12/2008
  Even though quite self evidently we've closed down due to a lack of time, the lack of anyone from VH1 ringing me to offer me a TV show and the exodus to Twitter, if I didn't post my favourite songs of 2008, Alyson would smack me round the head - even though I bought two albums (Future Pop and our beloved pop leader, even if we had to put her under house arrest to get her to make an album) only this year, it took about ten minutes to do this, so that was nice...the great songs were great, the rubbish songs (I'm looking at you Pink) are already forgotten, and everything else is already off, does that thing suck now...

So, er, here it is...

#1. Chungking - Love Is Here To Stay
#2. Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy
#3. Brit and Alex - Let It Go
#4. The Asteroids Galaxy Tour - Push the Envelope
#5. Freeform Five - No More Conversations
#6. Jenny Wilson - Let My Shoes Lead Me Forward
#7. The Veronicas - Untouched
#8. Bonde Do Role - Marina Gasolina
#9. Ashlee Simpson - Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)
#10. Blondfire - Pretty Young Thing
#11. David Guetta - Baby When The Lights Go Out
#12. Britney Spears - Womanizer
#13. Miley Cyrus - Good and Broken
#14. Celtic Legend Feat Gwenno Pipette - Ysolt Y'nn Gweinten
#15. Those Dancing Days - Run Run
#16. Yelle - Ce Jeu
#17. Britney Spears - Kill The Lights
#18. Lykke Li - I'm Good I'm Gone
#19. Ladyhawke - Paris is Burning
#20. Blondfire - L-L-Love
#21. Alizee - La Isla Bonita
#22. Kylie Minogue - Wow (CSS Remix)
#23. Theme To Billy Anachronism

So there you go, pointless, but at least it means I won't get a big smack round the chops...

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Alysons encounter with Dale Thomas   
09:38pm 17/03/2008
  While I've been reviewing the options for this site lately (Lizjournal is very, very dead) I haven't lost my focus for some football. It's AFL season next year, or as Tina T calls it, "Time to leave the house so Alyson can have time to scream at the TV". I, er, care about my team, my West Coast, and if you are a critic of the West Coast Eagles (I got my tickets today for West Coast vs Brisbane at Subiaco in Perth today, which was very exciting) like Robert Walls, well, then, I'll be visiting you to (CENSORED! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!)


Anyway, there are still 10 teams here in Good old Victoria who I hate, and one of them is Collingwood, the poor persons club. This is entirely because I was once a club mascot for West Coast in a game against Collingwood, and one of their ferals spat at me. And because of 1990. And last years finals. One of the players for Collingwood is this guy.

Dale Thomas. He's about the size of a pixie. And he kicked a goal against us last year, and I wasn't happy. However, I don't hate him like I hate, say, Josh Fraser or Chris Judd. Now, I was out and about in my West Coast beanie the other day, getting love from my people and hatred from the ferals. No real surprise. I went into JB Hi-Fi to buy myself a pirated copy of Underbelly from behind the counter (oh come on, you're all doing it!) and there, flicking through the DVDs was Dale Thomas with a big cap on. And he sees I've got a West Coast beanie on (it's always a beanie with me) and he nods and says something nice about West Coast. Me, being me, goes "Thanks Dale Thomas!" and he's gone "No, I'm not Dale Thomas!" and I've gone on "You are Dale Thomas!" and was about to provided evidence to back this up, and he's gone "I'm not Dale Thomas, I promise!". So I've shrugged and gone fair enough, he doesn't want the Facebook generation hassling him while he's buying DVDs. At which point, he's gone "And if I was, I wouldn't tell you this!" and told me this amazingly libellous short story about someone who plays for West Coast, and gone off giggling!

I don't whether to have offended, or amused. I think we might be friends now. I don't want to be friends with a Collingwood player! I'm confused!

God bless AFL in Melbourne...

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05:02pm 16/03/2008
  If you haven't heard, and you were wondering where I've been, they are bringing back Beverley Hills 90210, the 2nd best television show of all time.

If I ever was going to squee, I would, but let's face it, I'm excited for only one single reason...

It's not the same without the single greatest human being that ever lived. You know it, I know it, and we're waiting on the casting.

No Shan Shan, No Pop support, very, very simple.

Even if they contemporize The Peach Pit as the Latte Lake...

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Alyson has an amusing encounter with Claire's pop star pal!   
09:36pm 14/03/2008
  Given our website is now as successful as Brendan Nelson, Ben Cousins is going to Collingwood (to put that in perspective, that's like Girlfriend reforming, but with Ricki Lee instead of S) and I was looking forward to going to the wedding Claire was talking about in the post below because they had spent like a million bucks setting it up (guarantee of good cake!) it's been a crappy few days for me. Worse than that, I think Claire has Izzys phone number, Sarah Jessica Parker still seems to be famous, and we STILL can't get legal permission to tell our Delta Goodrem story! Grrrr!

Still, let's cheer Alyson with a new segment!

Alyson has an amusing encounter with Claire's pop star pal!

I've said before that Nicola Roberts is my dream friend, but Claire has a real pop star pal (I wonder who that could be) and last night, I had Claire's phone because my own was buggered and I had to ring a taxi from the garden party I was at (don't worry, old school homies still rolling with me, money don't change me, but certainly I am a sucker for a pleasnt sandwich). So I was waiting for a taxi, and this text message came through from said pop star pal and it said, I quote, "If you forget the fruit tomorrow night, don't bother showing up!" - naturally, I did initially think Claire was some kind of runner for her, which would have been SO amusing, the idea of Claire doing something for someone else! Then, I remembered fresh fruit and flowers used to be code for drugs, and got a bit worried. However, I do generally believe this person isn't in anyway like (CENSORED! LAWYER ALERT!) and genuinely does enjoy some nice fruit and this was simply a mis-directed text message. So I texted back, I quote, "I don't have any fruit, but this ringtone is driving me bananas!" see, it was frui...and the ring...and it was dri...and...OH FINE...

Anyway, I amused myself, but then I realised that I hadn't signed it, and maybe said pop star might think Claire had sent an amusing text. Two hours later, she sent a text back, and it said "Good one Claire, that's your best joke since the one about the cat".

Eh? What? We must know what this joke was Claire! It sounds hilarious! Absolute gold! Look at you wowing the pop star world with your animal based humour! Wow, you are a very, very talented individual! As talented as Ricki Lee and her battle with depression!

Man, that's a read!

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Claire learns Izzy Hoyland breaks up marriages   
11:21am 10/03/2008
  Never mind Alyson, so no one liked your Giss mania, and no one liked your Paul Potts song, never mind, there's always one thing we can guarantee with you...

So anyway, I'm a fraction hungover (Yay - Claire's drinking again, this will be funny! - Alyson) and Keisha Sugababe has said she didn't know people outside of London bought records (this years "Monkeys, I'm not buying them!" moment) on this Sugababes special. Man, if I knew someone in the band, I'd have a word to her. I probably need to befriend Berabah The Rapper or whatever her name is. (Subtle - Subtle checker Tina T) . And so, let's play this game instead...

Claire learns Izzy Hoyland breaks up marriages

I've got this friend (you do not! You hate everyone! We're your friends! - Alyson) who who was getting married in Sydney in about 4 weeks, such a shame I couldn't go, since I'll be working my thing at the Richmond v Collingwood game, but I was still quite happy for her because she was excited. And so anyway, she sent me a text last night when I was at the Ice Bar (You do like that place a lot for a dive! - Alyson) saying that the wedding was off and she was at home stuffing her face with doughnuts and ice cream. So I've gone, why are you telling me? I don't care, stop interrupting my night, stop worrying me with your stupid problems (That doesn't sound like you at all - Sarcastic Tina T) . But I had 5 minutes to kill until the pushy bitch that always ruins that place kicked me out, so I rang her, and apparently, this is what had happened.

She'd gone out with like, 4 girlfriends. And they were in a club, in the heart of downtown Melbourne. And this came on the video wall.

Yes, Izzy Hoyland and the other blokes who desperately pretend they are a band when it's all about Izzy. But since you can't fit that easily on an album cover (especially a 2nd album not as good as the 1st one), the "Rogue Traders" (They ripped me off on E-bay, DAMN YOU ROGUE TRADERS! - Alyson) . Anyway, the song is called "I Never Liked You" and there's a line "I never liked you, even when I tried to" - and basically, she's heard this song, and decided that the guy she was going to marry, well, she absolutely completely hated him. She didn't know why she'd only just realised, and why it took Izzy to tell her that, but apparently, it's sunk in at that point, so she's rung him up, broke off the wedding, and shagged one of the bouncers to celebrate. I just wonder if this is an epidemic, whether people all over Australia realise that their relationships are terrible based entirely on a 3 minute clip where Izzy hits someone in the groin. If this has just made you realise your relationship is, like I care. Do what you got to do.

I like to think Izzy would approve though...and that was...

Claire learns Izzy Hoyland breaks up marriages

Now, time to ring Berabah the Rapper...

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The Pop can say they miss the Giss   
03:49pm 09/03/2008
  OK, so no one liked my Paul Potts song, so I guess I deserve this...

At least it wasn't a song about Pol Pot..hang on, he was in charge of Cambodia wasn't he?

Any chance I get these days. Anyway, enough about 1981 Kim Wilde songs (Hush your mouth for thinking such a thing was possible! - Kim Wildeian Tina T) . Don't you miss The Giss? At lot of people were very unhappy with the Giss back in the day and took the piss (out of the Giss - rhyming Tina T), but we were never ever ashamed to say that Laura Gissara was absolutely our favourite Idoller of 2005, and we're frankly pissed off that she's never come off the bench to snag a spot in the Young Divas (for instance). I've been inspired to call for a full day of rememberance for The Giss, as I am without question the only person to have Laura Gissara songs on my IPOD (Greatest View, Ti Amo, Don't Let Go and Ready Willing & Able). I think Greatest View is my favourite (no one can rock quite like The Giss). I was thinking today, I really miss her a lot, especially when we are two years removed from our (got quite far you know) attempt to get The Giss to sing the theme song for the Soccer (Surely "football", at least on Foxtel? - sport querying Tina T) World Cup. Sadly, and this applies to our 2008 plans for Tammin, the Olympic theme on Channel 7 is already taken by some HOPELESS JOKE but at least there's 2010 in Souf Afreka if we qualify for the soccer, right? RIGHT?

Natalie Zahra completely concurs with Gissmania

The last I heard of the Giss, back when her website was listing her as "young, determined and sassy" was back a while ago when she released a self funded version of the "beautiful power ballad I never got to sing", Ti Amo, to an ungreatful public. Australia gets another chance to Kiss The Giss in 08, with a new album PROMISED. Her Myspace certainly reveals an exciting list of very powerful music friends. Timbaland, Alicia Keys, Ne-Yo (Ne-yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now it's time for one of my cute little dances!), and best of all, Rihbyn! Not content with selling her own Umbrella (ella-ella-ella-ey-eys) range, Rihbyn is BEST MATES with the Giss! Myspace wouldn't lie to me. I'm jealous, I want to be mates with The Giss! Actually, I forgot, I wrote a Giss sitcom (A Gisscom or SitGiss? - Claire)
back in the day, I wonder if I should dig it out of the archive. Maybe I should fire up The Giss Army again. Let's make sure Gissmania never dies!


PS. I just found a picture of something The Giss signed with my name on it. Buggered if I can remember what that was about!
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Potts Of Gold - The musical!   
08:05pm 08/03/2008
  Sorry that we've spoken a lot about Robanna/Rihbyn (Note: we haven't decided whether to call her Robanna or Rihbyn yet, I liked Rihbyn though, sounds like a tasty vitamin - Democratic Tina T) lately, but you must admit, she is endlessly fascinating...

Not only does she have a public holiday in her honor, but now, she's banned Umbrella-ella-ella-ey-eys from her concerts , in presumably some sort of 30 year old protest for Georgi Markov. (Alyson Tamara Guard, king of obscure references - CFB) . OK, maybe no one gets that, but still, I do like that you can buy a Rihbyn (I think we're going with that - Tina T) official Umbrella-ella-ella-ey-ey in the lobby. If you can get merchandise based on a song, I'm really annoyed Nicole Richies Dandelion never took off! A girl can dream...

Incidentally, proving the evil spying nature of Gmail, I just got my first Rihbyn spam virus e-mail, which is spooky...

Anyway, enough 1978 references, Claire yesterday wanted me to work on a script for Potts Of Gold, the film that is proposed in real life about Paul "Corky" Potts, (It's in bad taste to mention the closeness of Paul Potts to Pol Pot, but I would like some sort of mix up based on the two - CFB) and his bitchslapping down of poor lovable Connie Talbot. I do like the idea of Corky from Life Goes On playing Pottsy, but I've been more working it into a musical. Here in Oz, everyone seems to be calling it "just like Billy Elliott, but with more mobile phone sales", but I've been kind of working it into a musical. It's not finished yet, but here is at least a song cobbled together from the vague facts I know from his Wikipedia page...the song is called Pottsy (Is he flying to Cambodia? I love that song! - Kim Wilde bigging up Tina T)


I was not a Cambodian dictator
I was a crap mobile phone operator
At school, people said "see you later"
But they never did (they never did)
People used to say lardarse, or tubby, or wobble bottom...
(Wobble bottom)
But mamma, I gotta sing!
I found out I could sing
And now the phone, it will always ring (but someone else will answer!)
I used to work at a small Welsh store
But now I'm singing to Michael Barrymore (Michael Barrymore)

They call him Pottsy (Pottsy)
Who knew he could sing like that (like that)
He was especially good
For a Liberal Democrat
That he is a star, that aint no rumour
And he overcame an adrenal tumor (adrenal tumor)

So take that ickle children
There's a new opera star
My funky style is fresh and bold
I can totally beat down a six year old!
Met my wife in Yahoo Chat
Have you met my talented cat?
They call me Pottsy, beloved by the gays
No wait, that was the one from Happy Days...

I think it's got a Tony award written all over it! And just for you Tina T...

Splendid...todays so called song writers etc

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Asking nicely for a script for Potts Of Gold   
06:05pm 07/03/2008
  Like a man in car trying to pick up a hooker and not having any money, we've been all talk lately. It's this heatwave. Damn it. At least Robyn day was quite exciting, being under an Umbrella. Ella. Ella. Ey. Ey.

More importantly, we've probably spoken a few times about Finding TATU, the worlds greatest ever ever movie that comes out allegedly in May this year. That movie, of course, has more faux lesbianism than a Buffy comic trying to perk it's sales up, and, maybe in the deleted scenes, someone copping a plunger to the lady bits. Anyway, it's going to be great. We had our own bash at a script, but if Alyson doesn't get any comments, she turns into (that's enough comedy based on when one thing is like something else, who do you think you are, Peter Helliar? - Comedy editing Tina T) ...

The problem is, as you would know is that if you snooze (or in the case of Finding TATU, delay the project because Mischa Barton can't dance well enough) you lose, and while we've been waiting for the great movie, they are threatening to make a movie about Paul Potts. Or as we know him, "that fat bloke off Britains Got Talent who proved the title had an ironic twist and who pretended to be an amateur and then had the temerity to beat a six year old, yeah, you are a real big man aren't you". As far as I can tell, the only man who could play him was the guy who played Corky on Life Goes On. And what a film it would be. Potts Of Gold (Starring Bernard King? - Alyson), I can see it now, as Corky beats up on Dakota Fanning (Isn't she now 42? - Alyson) with his opera tunes. And an abusive boss (played by Noel Gallagher) tells him "Man, you'll never make it as a singer! You'll be back selling phones before you know it" and a lot of shots of rain sprinkled Cardiff. It'll be great. Alyson, I think we need a draft of Potts Of Gold at some point. Even the Colonel is on board.

It'll make Pentathlon look like fucking Scarface! Fat fucking fuck!


The good news is, I found my old draft script of Sk8er Boi The Movie when that was the talk of the day, and this was it.

Draft Script: “Sk8er Boi – The Movie”

(Scene One: Suburban home, “Boy” sits at home with his guitar, singing to his friend “Girl”)

Boy: “I want to rock you! I want to rock you!”
Girl: That’s such a great song…but there’s something you must know…I love you!
Boy: I do to, but secretly I wanted you as well!
Girl: Let’s get together, after all, you are a boy, and I am a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Boy: No, you really can’t!

(Scene Two: “Girl” is lunching with a gaggle of poshly dressed other girls, collectively known as “Friends”)

Girl: So what do you think of Boy?
Friends: Er…well…
Girl: What? What’s wrong with him? Tell me damn you!
Friends: (Sticking up their nose) We have a problem with his baggy clothes.
Girl: Oh…well…he is unsuitable for me, given I do ballet.
Friends: Quite.

(Scene Three: In the snow, there is a touching break up scene)

Girl: We can’t be together!
Boy: But why!
Girl: It’s your clothes!
Boy: Are they too baggy?
Girl: It’s not just that! You are a punk and I do ballet! What more can I say!
Boy: Not much…but you wait…you wait….you’ll regret it…
Girl: …I won’t! Not with my promising ballet career! So…see you later boy!

(Scene Four: A grotty dirty horrible suburban home. “Girl” now is alone, five years from now, with a kid in tow, but no man”)

Girl: (Now weighing 400lbs) I wish that bloody kid would shut up! Where did my promising ballet career go! Curse this infernal infant! Vile tormented devil spawn! Er…I know what will cheer me up, MTV! Yes if I can watch MTV for a moment, I can forget my miserable life! I just can’t quite get up…to stretch…ah that’s it…oh god not another Nickelback clip…wait a minute…it’s Boy…he’s rocking up MTV! I must call my friends!

Friends: (On the phone) We already know!

Girl: You never thought to tell me? You never though to say, hey remember that bloke we were at school with? He’s a big rock star now. I wish we hadn't had such a problem with his baggy clothes, we might have been able to get free tickets!

Friends: Er…no…wanna come?

Girl: Sure, why not! Let me arrange a babysitter for this vile life ruining fetus!

(Scene Five: At a rock concert)

Boy: “Rock it! Rock it! We’re gonna rock it!”
Girl: I’m not sure about this!
Friends: Ssssshhhh…he’s such a spunk!
Boy: Yeah! Now I’d like to dedicate this next song to a girl that means a lot to me…Avril Lavigne!
Avril: Rocking! Yeah…um…who’s that fat bitch in the front row! Thank god I’m not her!
Girl: If only I hadn’t had a problem with his baggy clothes. But just you watch Avril and Boy, for when your brand of sk8er based punk falls from favour, and you are two crack addicted pieces of scum in the gutter…I’ll wait…oh yes…I’ll be there….ha ha…watch your back!

Er...I was funny when I was an alcoholic...

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Alyson chucks a mental to make a point   
08:13pm 06/03/2008
  Well, Rihanna day was great fun, in fact, I went busking and sang Mariah Careys "Hero" in a really terrible off key voice!

Her names Robyn? Oh bollocks, she's got a Y in her name. And all we got at our high school was RAWK. Why didn't we get entertainment like Robyn singing Hero? More on that and Robyn day later, but I've been impossibly giddy today. Not that the drugs I've taken for my headache have had anything to do with it but...

The Disco Cow is ALREADY voted off It Takes Two! Geez, that didn't take long! Yes, terrible for Scott Draper and kids with polio (Surely Cystic Fybrosis? - Fact Checking Tina T) But once again, it disproves this amazing myth that the nation is full of people who like her! I mean, that's TWO absolute certified huge bombing albums, voted off I-dull early in a ZOMG shock, the magazine with her on the cover in her wedding selling way WAY lower than a normal issue, and now she can't even rustle enough votes from her huge fan base to beat Candice Falzon and a footballer from Melbourne? 71 (71!) people sent me her flier, so obviously they tried! I didn't get a Candice Falzon flier! Why is this woman famous? Why is she even in the paper! She's doing gigs at cake cuttings and fire stations and STILL the Herald Sun makes out that she's going to break the UK! I don't understand! I really don't! She is VILE, and somehow she's still around! Take a hint! It's like being force fed medicine as a child!

In fact, having once lead a block party against her, I decided that if she was still around even though no one liked her (she really is lemon medicine), I was going to campaign for what I like that no one else does to be force fed down Australias throat! (You wanted to get the hilarious PC re-written comedy of That Cotton Won't Pick Itself! on national television? - Claire) - very close my mardy chum! If Channel 7 was content to put The Disco Cow on TV even though it's proven no one likes her, it's only fair that on prime time TV, they do something for ME on Channel 7! That is, a prime time airing of the greatest movie of all time, Pentathlon! Dolph Lundgren as an East German Pentathlete, with, quote, "All the thrills of THE OLYMPIC TRIALS!" . That's right, he's a man on a mission to QUALIFY! What a treat! So today, I sent Chanel No.7 an e-mail that read like this.

"Dear Channel 7, big fan, that show where Ed Kavalee doesn't get the concept of repartee, brilliant. Anyway, as a loyal listener (Surely "Viewer", Fact Checking Tina T) it's come to my attention that you've been putting Ricki Lee (aka "The Disco Cow") in my TV. I really don't like her. In fact, no one likes her. Surely if you took a poll, you'd find her to be less popular than Candace Falzon...oh wait, you did that. Having made me put up with her smug face on my screen, can you please program the movie "Pentathlon" on prime time TV to make up for it? I am the only person in the world who seems to like this film, but then, that's one more person than likes The Disco Cow, and you put her on TV! Your pal, Alyson"

Wish me luck comrades! Hee hee, her names Robyn...

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Tomorrow, Rihanna Day, today, STEP CLAP, STEP STEP CLAP   
06:03pm 05/03/2008
  I only just found out that Rihanna (and let's face it, Y and I are the last two people in the planet who didn't like Umbrella/Ella/Ella/Ey/Ey) had a national day declared in Barbados in her honour. In certain circles on the Internet, there has been quite a spirited debate as to whether or not this was a public holiday conferred by the government, or just Rihanna did a concert with that idiot who sings Kiss Kiss (Holly Valance? - Alyson) and they went a bit OTT, but certainly it was a kerfuffle (one step up from an incident and one step below a fracas on the scale) and she cut a cake. Sadly, I didn't find this out until today, when the actual day where she cut the cake was the 21st of February, but never let it be said we don't like pointless public holidays. So we've all taken a day off (Alyson got a job? - Fact Checking Tina T) from our busy schedules, to celebrate Rihanna day, and we'll be bringing you the full results tomorrow. We even found a girl called Ella to harass.

I couldn't grow my forehead big enough though, to do a full homage, and until then, why not enjoy the greatest song of 2008 so far, which now, rather splendidly, has a film clip.


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Claire and Alyson find out the kind of people who buy Jack Johnson albums    
06:18pm 04/03/2008
  I've often said to people that the last thing on earth I understand, although given that compared to the general population I'm prettier, richer and more intelligent and so on my general public empathy is low, (Although not as good at building websites apparently - Fact Checking Tina T) , is why people still flock to buy certain albums. There's such a rich and diverse collection of musical treats out there, that if you want to watch, say, Chantal Goya be a rabbit, it's right at your finger tips.

I love how she gets visibly less enthusiastic as the song goes on. It's actually quite a story if you follow French. Alyson, if this isn't your first French song at this thing, I'm going to be grumpy.

Anyway, with such a rich and diverse collection of music spread around the Internet, there are still people who wake up in the morning and think, you know what, I'm going to take this 24.95, head down to my local CD emporium, and decide to buy an album by Jack Johnson. Quite a few people in fact, judging by the fact it's somehow been number 1 for 3 weeks. And sure, there are people who still find Funniest Home Videos funny. It doesn't make it right. If you don't know who Jack Johnson is, he seems to churn out album after album of these snoozy go nowhere boring tuneless dreary poems. Yes, it's music to drown yourself in the bath full of Radox to. And if you feel like a right thinking person for enjoying Chantal being a rabbit a lot more, why not come with us on the terrifying ride that is...

Claire and Alyson find out the kind of people who buy Jack Johnson albums

Alysons been nagging me for ages to take her to this Ice Bar in Melbourne and I've been all "Look, it's got a terrible reputation because there's this pushy bitch who makes everyone leave after 29 minutes and 59 seconds of their alloted 30 minutes" and she was all "Oh come on! It's been a big week for me! I did LVs at karaoke! PLEEASSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" and I was all "No, they are rude!" and eventually after a week of arguing, she started pouting and I had to take her so she'd stop pouting and there's only so long you can look at her silly face before you feel bad. Besides, the Revelations didn't win Eurovision...

Anyway, we made a night of it, and about 3am, we were in a club that's pretty exclusive, and not in a wanker way like the ones in London. And to drive people out, the DJ goes from playing the kind of tunes you don't get in crappy clubs to playing exactly the kind of tunes you get in crappy clubs, ie, the Sneaky Sound System (Of all the Sound Systems in the world, surely the sneakiest - Fact Checking Tina T) . And anyway, from the far end of the room, all of a sudden this bloke starts throwing this gigantic, gigantic fit. I mean, tearing at the walls, and there's only about 4 people in there, and I'm throwing my own fit because this is supposed to be my exclusive club and someone in camoflauge clothing (I mean REALLY) is not only taking up my space but throwing a fit. Not that I blame him for throwing a fit to the Sneaky Sound System, but you know. So anyway, I'm trying to leave and find Roisin Murphy on my IPOD, and that's when Alyson points out that he's actually one of the bouncers at this place, who's taken bad drugs. She gathered this from one of the other 2 people in the club who in no way plays for the Western Bulldogs saying "Hey, isn't that one of the bouncers, he seems to have taken some bad drugs!" and he's really, really fighting the other bouncers, and as he's literally seconds from getting the kind of boot in the face that makes Neil Mitchell write an entire column about how awful and violent Melbourne is he's screamed out in a demented voice.


And that was...

Claire and Alyson find out the kind of people who buy Jack Johnson albums

Drugs really are bad you know.

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Rachel Stevens Moment Of Black Comedy   
10:33am 03/03/2008
  I couldn't care less that it didn't win, really couldn't care less (no offence homies, but British people and phone ins? They always fuck it up!), or that they couldn't sing it all live (live vocals, who gives a shit!) because since this glorious song came into my life, it's helped me actually win a karaoke competition doing LVs (LVS!) instead of BVs for a change, I've been determined to work it into a sitcom, Pumpkins Dad was arrested in his underpants, Delta Goodrem lost her record contract, and someone sent us an e-mail to say they saw Ricki Lee trip over in the street and swear really loudly! All we need is Perez Hilton to die in a terrible terrible accident, and I know that if I share how fantastic this song is, life is a beautiful thing!

Doesn't it sound like it was written perfectly and specifically for me?

Anyway, enough of that. Why not enjoy the song, and the fact that today is MELBOURNES BIGGEST CAKE DAY with Millsy and a tight ten from Sue Stanley gimping it up for charity and another fantastic moment of black comedy from Rachel Stevens as we, er, take in Rachel Stevens moment of black comedy...

The difference between the black folks and the white folks is the white folks listen to the jazz and the black folks listen to the funkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...yeah...that's what I'm talking about...

Um....can someone call Betty Boo to replace Ms Stevens?

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A good day for top tunes   
08:47pm 29/02/2008
  Since we've been very lazy today due to too much shrimp (do you believe that?) last night, here's two great tunes to watch until we get back to health!

It's got NO chance of winning UK Eurovision, but by god, it's very us and we sang it last night at karaoke (and then ate some shrimp, er, that's it, that's why we have headaches) and we do like it...

This isn't very us, but we like it (and Gwenno Pipette getting her Cornish on) all the same...

We'll see you tomorrow, when the shrimp wears off...

Alyson and Claire
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SCIENCE: Is it too late to Pologize?   
06:52pm 28/02/2008

See, she wants everyone to send in videos of themselves so you can join in the Delta approved fun of her latest fun clip! I've been considering sending in a video of us telling our incredibly libellous Delta stor...

Sorry, we have SUCH legal trouble being the blog we really could be.

So anyway, when we aren't barred by legal advice from telling you Delta Goodrem stories, the back up plan is to cut our arms and find out if we are bleeding love, and that back up to that is Claire goes crazy on a tram with tourettes style abuse about how much she hates Alicia Keys and the back up to that is...

Alyson and Claire find out if it's too late to Pologize

Scientific experiment: To find out if it's ever too late to Pologize, as that bloke with the pool cue jammed up his arse from One Republic and Timbaland (now 87% pecan pie) claim. Since that song is now apparently the 2008 version of Umbrella (ELLA! ELLA! EY! EY!) in terms that no matter where you go (even NIGHTCLUBS ffs!) you end up hearing it, we thought we'd put that sentiment to the test.

Time of Pology: Instant

During a friendly game of darts, Alyson deliberately knocks over a small childs coke, and makes it look like an accident. Claire is suspicious given Alysons natural clumsiness if this is part of experiment. Alyson apologizes instantly, and buys new coke. All is fine.

Time Of Pology: 5 minutes

Alyson abuses staff member at Starbucks for the prolonging of Paul McCartneys career. 5 minutes later, with shop staring at her, she pologizes as she is having a bad day. Staff sort of accept. However, possibly spit in Alysons coffee. And appear to play Paul McCartney loudly.

Time of Pology: 1 day

Alyson and Claire steal a gnome. One day later, Claire rings up old lady and says she was drunk and took a gnome and wants to return it. Old lady thinks Claire stole a mole. Much hilarity ensues. Everything is forgiven.

Time Of Pology: 5 days

Claire deliberately tapes over Tina Ts NBA basketball tape. Tina T is pissed off, and TSKs Claire. Claire apologizes. Tina T TSKs again. Claire suspects that if she doesn't produce replacement copy, TSKing may continue.

Time Of Pology: 5ive years

Alyson asks Claire to apologize for stupid story she wrote 5ive years ago here about 80s Pop stars working for the government. Claire throws box of Smarties at her.

Time of Pology: 8 years

J pologizes to her Mum for her incessant wailing when she was two, and offers to cook dinner. Js Mum gives her a hug. J gets her posse to make the dinner, and gets an X Box for being nice. J accused of selling out by Claire. Argument ensues. Neither pologizes.

Time of Pology: 20 years

Alyson finds and rings girl who abused her during game of "Bootball" at school for running her out. Girl is confused. Alyson suspects she is being flippant and rude. Alyson tells girl it's never too late to pologize. Girl wonders who's ringing. Alyson simply asks for apology. Girl screams WHO IS THIS. Alyson asks if fridge is running. Phone is hung up.

Result: Yes, sometimes, it definitely is too late to Pologize. Carry on about your business, bloke with pool cue jammed up your arse.
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Ladies and gentlemen...   
04:35pm 25/02/2008, The Pop turns 5ive years old!

We're just as mystified and afraid as you are...
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Charli and the Ambition Factory   
07:24am 24/02/2008

See, funky haircut, adult ambitions, it's truly a sad, sad day...

To cheer us up on this sad day, Claire and I have decided to share our favourite Charli memories. AND WE HATE YOU FOREVER ADAM SO CALLED GILCHRIST!

Claire: I've probably said before, my first job at Channel 9 (back when it made programs) was kiddie motivator on Hi 5, in the very early days when they were all enthusiastic and happy. Believe me, a lot of research went into their characters for Hi 5 the movie. Anyway, my job was to make sure the kids were dancing, plied with lollies and red cordial to keep them energetic and happy, and to frame some shots. By the way, kids TV is evil to the very core. The number of diabetic children seemingly force fed jelly beans...

So anyway, this one day, the kids were really playing up, and there was a big pow wow off stage because they were getting no shots at all and some of the kids were punching each other and being brats and squealing and even Nathan was getting narked. So all of a sudden, this pink and green haired blur steamed up to the group and she had this giant grin on her face, she was always grinning, and she goes "GUYS! You are doing it ALL WRONG! You THROW (and she made a throwing motion) the lollies to the far edge of the studio and then SCRAMBLE!"

We took in this piece of wisdom for a moment while she giggled, and then she said as if it was self explanatory with a giant grin on her face "THEY RUN, THEY FIGHT FOR LOLLIES, THEY GET TIRED, THEY SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and ran off into position to do Robots. It was then we realised, we were in the presence of genius...


Alyson: That's an easy question, my favourite moment on ANY Hi-5 show ever involved Charli. To set the scene, Hi 5 had this grape like puppet (it may still do) called Jup Jup, and his schtick was that he would steal things while the Hi 5ers (usually Kathleen) were focusing on something. For instance, Kathleen would say "I'm preparing a picnic" and she would put the forks down and then go "Let me just unpack the spoons!" and Jup Jup would steal the forks. Later, when Kathleen was getting the pickles, Jup Jup would put the forks back. As you can imagine, this amused me for AGES! The KEY point to all of this was no one in Hi 5 would ever know it was Jup Jup stealing all the stuff, it would remain an amusing mystery.

Anyway, one day, to shake things up, Charli was at the beach and was all "I'M BUILDING A SANDCASTLE!" in this sketch. Got out a bucket, where's my spade, turned to get the spade, Jup Jup stole the bucket. Charli looks for the bucket, no bucket. And I'll always remember this clearly, she looked right down the barrel of the camera and instead of being bewildered as to what happened to the bucket, she went in this demented crazy voice "OH! NAUGHTY JUP JUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!" and carried on making her sandcastle, and the sketch lasted about 10 more seconds.

A genius. An absolute stone cold comedy genius...
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