More importantly, we've probably spoken a few times about Finding TATU, the worlds greatest ever ever movie that comes out allegedly in May this year. That movie, of course, has more faux lesbianism than a Buffy comic trying to perk it's sales up, and, maybe in the deleted scenes, someone copping a plunger to the lady bits. Anyway, it's going to be great. We had our own bash at a script, but if Alyson doesn't get any comments, she turns into (that's enough comedy based on when one thing is like something else, who do you think you are, Peter Helliar? - Comedy editing Tina T) ...
The problem is, as you would know is that if you snooze (or in the case of Finding TATU, delay the project because Mischa Barton can't dance well enough) you lose, and while we've been waiting for the great movie, they are threatening to make a movie about Paul Potts. Or as we know him, "that fat bloke off Britains Got Talent who proved the title had an ironic twist and who pretended to be an amateur and then had the temerity to beat a six year old, yeah, you are a real big man aren't you". As far as I can tell, the only man who could play him was the guy who played Corky on Life Goes On. And what a film it would be. Potts Of Gold (Starring Bernard King? - Alyson), I can see it now, as Corky beats up on Dakota Fanning (Isn't she now 42? - Alyson) with his opera tunes. And an abusive boss (played by Noel Gallagher) tells him "Man, you'll never make it as a singer! You'll be back selling phones before you know it" and a lot of shots of rain sprinkled Cardiff. It'll be great. Alyson, I think we need a draft of Potts Of Gold at some point. Even the Colonel is on board.
It'll make Pentathlon look like fucking Scarface! Fat fucking fuck!
The good news is, I found my old draft script of Sk8er Boi The Movie when that was the talk of the day, and this was it.
Draft Script: “Sk8er Boi – The Movie”
(Scene One: Suburban home, “Boy” sits at home with his guitar, singing to his friend “Girl”)
Boy: “I want to rock you! I want to rock you!”
Girl: That’s such a great song…but there’s something you must know…I love you!
Boy: I do to, but secretly I wanted you as well!
Girl: Let’s get together, after all, you are a boy, and I am a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Boy: No, you really can’t!
(Scene Two: “Girl” is lunching with a gaggle of poshly dressed other girls, collectively known as “Friends”)
Girl: So what do you think of Boy?
Girl: What? What’s wrong with him? Tell me damn you!
Friends: (Sticking up their nose) We have a problem with his baggy clothes.
Girl: Oh…well…he is unsuitable for me, given I do ballet.
(Scene Three: In the snow, there is a touching break up scene)
Girl: We can’t be together!
Boy: But why!
Girl: It’s your clothes!
Boy: Are they too baggy?
Girl: It’s not just that! You are a punk and I do ballet! What more can I say!
Boy: Not much…but you wait…you wait….you’ll regret it…
Girl: …I won’t! Not with my promising ballet career! So…see you later boy!
(Scene Four: A grotty dirty horrible suburban home. “Girl” now is alone, five years from now, with a kid in tow, but no man”)
Girl: (Now weighing 400lbs) I wish that bloody kid would shut up! Where did my promising ballet career go! Curse this infernal infant! Vile tormented devil spawn! Er…I know what will cheer me up, MTV! Yes if I can watch MTV for a moment, I can forget my miserable life! I just can’t quite get up…to stretch…ah that’s it…oh god not another Nickelback clip…wait a minute…it’s Boy…he’s rocking up MTV! I must call my friends!
Friends: (On the phone) We already know!
Girl: You never thought to tell me? You never though to say, hey remember that bloke we were at school with? He’s a big rock star now. I wish we hadn't had such a problem with his baggy clothes, we might have been able to get free tickets!
Friends: Er…no…wanna come?
Girl: Sure, why not! Let me arrange a babysitter for this vile life ruining fetus!
(Scene Five: At a rock concert)
Boy: “Rock it! Rock it! We’re gonna rock it!”
Girl: I’m not sure about this!
Friends: Ssssshhhh…he’s such a spunk!
Boy: Yeah! Now I’d like to dedicate this next song to a girl that means a lot to me…Avril Lavigne!
Avril: Rocking! Yeah…um…who’s that fat bitch in the front row! Thank god I’m not her!
Girl: If only I hadn’t had a problem with his baggy clothes. But just you watch Avril and Boy, for when your brand of sk8er based punk falls from favour, and you are two crack addicted pieces of scum in the gutter…I’ll wait…oh yes…I’ll be there….ha ha…watch your back!
Er...I was funny when I was an alcoholic...